life doesnt knock – Life Doesn't Knock

Friday Favorite: I’ve Learned…

Preface: This was written just over a year ago. I have always liked this piece. For me, it is simple and to the point. When we grieve, we go back and forth between emotions (stages) and we get sort of lost and stuck. We have to take a little time to remember how to redirect ourselves. This is the way I stayed on the right path–this was my roadmap of sorts.
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I was 25 years old, thought I had my life figured out. I had dreamed of these days since I was young and now, after some hard times and a lot of growing pains, my dreams were coming true. Randy and I had the family we always wanted, his new job provided more than we had hoped for, and to top it all off, we were happy. Couldn’t ask for more than that. We knew there would always be challenges in life. Challenges that we couldn’t predict, but that was okay, because we always had each other. We never dreamed either of us would have to face life alone.

I was thrust into a new life. This new chapter, unlike the first, came with no one to guide me. Growing up, I always had my parents guidance, this time, I was the leader. While sifting through the ashes of the life I once knew, I learned many things.

Life Doesn’t Knock
I learned very quickly that life doesn’t knock. This uninvited guest walks right in and makes itself at home. Sometimes, life brings wonderful surprises that we never could have imagined. Other times, it brings our worst nightmares to life. This time was worse than any nightmare.

Losing him in a car wreck ripped my future from my grasp. Every dream I had ever dreamed, gone in a flash. Everything I thought to be true was now under a microscope. How I felt about God, my future, and even my past scrutinized every single day. Nothing made sense anymore. I quite literally had to accept my past and redesign my future.

At first, I took life step by step. Often it felt like I was walking on tiny stones across a wide angry river, hoping to get from one shore to another. One mistake and I’d drown. Over time, with help, the stones became larger and closer together as the angry river quietly receded. I made it to the other side. I built a different life, never forgetting the old.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” –Joseph Campbell

Life is Undetermined
There is no way to know when our uninvited guest will show up again. All we can do is live the best we know how with whatever surprises have been thrown our way. There is no shame in falling and no absolution for standing up again. There is a time and season for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, And a time to die;
A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, And a time to heal;
A time to break down, And a time to build up;
A time to weep, And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, And a time to lose;
A time to keep, And a time to throw away;
A time to tear, And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;
A time to love, And a time to hate;
A time of war, And a time of peace.

Life is Best Lived With an Open Heart
When life is full of happiness and rainbows, we let the world in. We live life outloud. We want everyone to share in our light. Maybe we even want to make sure they know our light is as bright as theirs. Living in the best of times is easy.

When life gets us down, we close ourselves off, sometimes we give up. We place blame and get angry. We shut down. No one likes to feel vulnerable and no one likes to be looking up to see someone elses light shining bright while their own barely flickers. Those gloomy, dark times are when we should open up. Open ourselves to possibilities and blessings.

When my grandparents started slipping mentally and physically, it was hard to reach out and ask for help. We wanted to close ourselves up, hide, and handle it the best we could. It came to a point where we felt like we were going to drowned if we didn’t get help. We hired a home helper. A friend of a friend. Recently, I learned that she was in a bad place before stepping in to help my grandparents. She was losing weight, had no money, and was slipping into a serious depression. We knew hiring her would help us. We knew she was in need of a job and it would help her. What we did not know was the depth our help would reach. She smiles now, she has gained some weight back, and she has found love. All of that might have happened without us. It seems from this viewpoint that both of our lights were flickering and when we combined them, it gave us both strength and our lights were shining brighter. To be honest, she would never have been my first choice, but we opened up and gave her a chance. Who knew the good that would come from that decision?

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. –Maya Angelou

Life Continues
Our lives cannot stop because we have lost someone or something. We can’t quit going forward because we hurt or because it is difficult. We have to keep living. We have to face our fears, stare them in the eyes, and walk right past them without flinching. Once you have faced that fear and conquered it, what is there that can hold you down?

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really step to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

We need to keep living for the things we have lost and living for the people and things yet to come. Life is meant to be lived moving forward. I don’t mean to make that sound easy, because it isn’t. It is something that is possible and things that are possible deserve a chance. There are amazing and wonderful adventures and wonderful endings for those who take a chance.

“The great courageous act we must all do, is to have the courage to step out of our history and past so that we can live our dreams.” –Oprah Winfrey

So, take that step, keep moving. Day by day things will get easier, dreams closer. Life is definitely different now, but it doesn’t have to be over. Live life, heal your wounds, and reach your dreams.

Dating Again Part 1: How Will I Know?

One of the hardest parts of being a widow is the loneliness. Whether you have been married a short time or a long time, being alone is hard. It really is true that two hearts become one and when that heart is suddenly ripped in two, it obviously leaves a void.

Those morning conversations turn into toast alone and pillow talk turns into laying in bed worrying about the same worries as the night before while listening to the white noise of the television until you fall asleep from sheer boredom. The one person you want to hold onto, the one person you want to share your grief with, is gone. Your spouse is your best friend and lover, a tangible dream come true–and now, they are gone. That is hard to grasp.

It takes a long time to come to terms with such a loss. At some point, you will miss that companionship so badly that you will want to date. You will probably wonder if it’s time. This will probably be a struggle for you. After all, you didn’t want to be separated from your spouse, you didn’t have a choice. You were probably still very much in love when they were ripped from your life. Putting that to the side to date is difficult, at best.

There are a few things you should know as you think about venturing into the realm of dating.

1) When will I be ready to date? Being a widow is complicated. A broken heart isn’t like a broken bone: there is no time frame when you are healed and go back to your normal life. And there is no time frame in which everyone will magically feel better. You might have a good day and then several bad days. Being a widow is a journey. There will be moments even 10 years from now when something tugs at your heart and brings you sadness. Does that mean you should never date? No. Does it mean you have to wait 1 year or 10 years? That is up to you. Chances are, when you decide to date again, you will feel like you are betraying your husband or that you are not ready–no matter how long you wait. For me, I waited about 6 months. I wasn’t sure I was ready, but I knew I was desperately lonely.

2) Where do you find men? I tried online dating, but it wasn’t for me. I met two men and wasn’t impressed. I figured when it was right, someone would come along. Whether it was mutual friends or someone random. I started making time to do something by myself while my mom watched the kids. Once a week I went out, usually with friends. Sometimes just shopping or a movie alone. I would go eat alone. Sounds counter-productive, but actually, it was very nice. My friends took a very active role in finding men to introduce to me. Instead of being embarrassed, I just let it go and went with the flow of things.

3) Kids and dating. Depending on the age, of course, you kids will have different reactions. The only one who was critical of me dating again was my 7-year-old. To her, it was the ultimate careless abandonment of my marriage. If you think death is hard for us to grab ahold of, imagine being seven and trying to understand death and dating. To her, I was changing who I was and I didn’t care about them or their dad. She didn’t know my pain because while I let her know I was sad, I never let her know the depth of pain I felt because I sheltered her from it. I didn’t want the weight of my pain to weigh on her. It was a very conscious decision. And, of course I was changing, I couldn’t survive that experience and stay the same–it wasn’t possible. She also felt like I was all she had and now I was giving myself to someone else. She didn’t understand how I could love them and need to be separate from them sometimes. She didn’t understand I was a woman and a mother. So, I listened and we talked, and by that what I mean is, I talked and she screamed at me through tears. There is no doubt it was hard to take her abuse (which of course I understood) while not unloading all my problems on her, but I did it. I think now, as a 19-year-old, she can understand better, but probably still harbors questions as she remembers things as a seven-year old little girl.

Dating will be as much of a challenge as it is interesting. Don’t let the process and definition overwhelm you. Set out to find a good friend. If it develops, fantastic. If it fizzles, its okay–maybe you will at least keep a friend. Perhaps the first step, and only real step you need to take is deciding if you are ready to accept what comes your way. Then, just be willing to see what happens. Just enjoy things as they come. If we have learned anything as widows and widowers, it’s that life doesn’t knock and we have to live every moment for exactly what it is.

My girlfriends would ask me if I was looking for Mr. Right. I would tell them Mr. Right Now would do. Who knew when Mr. Right would come along? Randy and I were so close that I really just missed my best friend. My girlfriends were great, but they weren’t a man. My girlfriends set out to find someone for me. They did just that. We became friends, we didn’t rush it. In fact, he was interested in someone else and I was okay with that. We dated casually and I was okay with that. Eventually, when I knew I was falling, I let him know. I also let him know he had to make a choice between her and me because I was a single mom and didn’t have time to play games–I wanted to know where we stood. I told him that I wanted him to be there, but didn’t need him to be there. I certainly didn’t want him to be there if he didn’t want to be. If he didn’t want to be there, I was okay with that. I had no problems moving on and not hating him–as long as he was honest. We started to become more serious.

I still had some intense issues with loss and I know my counselor worried about me and the situation. I really was enjoying life again (more often than not). Instead of falling asleep worrying, I fell asleep wondering when I’d see him again or if he really liked me or what movie would we watch. A welcomed change of pace. I always kept in mind I had kids, so was never reckless. I was careful about who I spent my time with. Sometimes I stayed gone too much, no doubt. Eventually, I enjoyed being out and made a decision or two that were not the smartest. I learned from them though, and just kept moving forward. The point of it is to explore and learn who you are again. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact, there is a freedom.

I will post ‘Dating Again Pt. 2: Moving From Short-Term to Long-Term
next Monday, April 15.

**Note: As always, this is based on my experience. There is no timeline to follow or an exact path that is right or wrong. You have to do what you need to do in the time frame you feel comfortable doing it in. I can only share what I experienced, what I thought, and how it worked for me. My hope in writing this is to answer some questions you might have about this topic. If I don’t answer them, feel free to ask in the comment section, or email me privately. While I try to be honest, I don’t always tell every single thought or experience I had just because it might take too much time to read. It doesn’t mean I didn’t have the thought or wouldn’t be willing to talk about it with you. I’m always willing to talk.

I’ve Learned…

I was 25 years old, thought I had my life figured out. I had dreamed of these days since I was young and now, after some hard times and a lot of growing pains, my dreams were coming true. Randy and I had the family we always wanted, his new job provided more than we had hoped for, and to top it all off, we were happy. Couldn’t ask for more than that. We knew there would always be challenges in life. Challenges that we couldn’t predict, but that was okay, because we always had each other. We never dreamed either of us would have to face life alone.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” –Joseph Campbell

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. –Maya Angelou

“The great courageous act we must all do, is to have the courage to step out of our history and past so that we can live our dreams.” –Oprah Winfrey

Learning From the Past, No Regrets

There’s a lot to learn from the past. I grew up surrounded by adults most. I spent most of my days with my grandparents and their friends. I loved listening to their stories about growing up. They stories about my mom, stories about the war, stories about their storms in life and in marriage, and even the stories about when I was a baby.

The only person I liked to listen to more was my great-grandmother, who we called Grandmother. It was fun picturing my grandma as a little girl and hard to imagine the way the world worked back then. As I grew up, I spent less time on the floor at my Grandmother’s feet listening to stories and more time chasing boys. I married and had kids and before I knew it, Grandmother had died.

The stories didn’t all die with her, many survived in Grandma and her sisters. Even if they might not remember being there, they remember the way Grandmother told the story. Lately, I have been with Grandma and Grandpa more. Even though their memories are not what they should be, they can still share a story. Sometimes it means I have to fill the gaps with how I remember the story being told.

I visit them every Sunday, no matter what life throws at me. This sunday was no different, except for there was a surprise. One of Grandpa’s old friends, Jim, was there. It’s funny how they met. They grew up in the same small town, but never met. They knew who the other was, but had no relationship, until they joined the army.

After joining the army, they had to get to basic training. The army loaded them on a bus to head to the train station. It was on that bus ride they realized they could be friends. The train ride sealed the forever friends. They now have been friends about 62 years. They fought in the Korean War together, separate divisions, but never too far apart. They got married just months apart. Strangely enough, they both married women who were similar in looks, stature, and personality.

Just like when I was a kid, I sat on the floor and listened to story after story. In between the stories Grandpa would interject his protest on aging and our efforts to help him through this challenging stage. Jim argue how lucky Grandpa is to have someone to help him through this stage of life.

Grandpa started spewing his list of regrets, Jim stopped him. “Red, you can’t do that. We all do the best we can and we end up where we are supposed to be. You fought for your country, you married a beautiful woman, you worked all your life and raised a family, and now you’re old. There’s no shame in that. That’s a good life.”

Jim’s words were not lost on me. In fact, they instantly hit home. The first thing we do during a storm is look for blame. Often, we blame ourselves. We wonder if we could have done something different. Could we have chosen a different path? Should we have said this or not said that? We can’t get lost in changing history. No one can change what’s already happened. Storms come, without warning sometimes. Blaming someone, or questioning possible regrets leaves us locked in that spot. Locked in that pain. We have to let go of ‘should-ing’ ourselves so we can move on.

Jim followed his first profound statement to Grandpa with, ” Ya know, Red, it’s funny. Life seems really hard sometimes. When you are in the middle something terrible, it feels like the end of the world. When I look back now, they were just little blips on the map. Sure, it was hard then, but now, I can see it was just life. I look back and can remember how hard it was, but I can also see even in the worst times, there was good.”

I couldn’t say that anymore perfectly. Once again, I’m humbled. He’s right–completely right. Jim wasn’t saying every experience is the way we want it to be. He came from a generation of hardships. He fought in a foreign war. He saved lives and took lives. He knows what it’s like to suffer, to go through hard times. He even knows what it feels like to wonder if you’ll make it out alive. Yet, here he is, confirming that as bad as things seem now, you learn to live.

Jim knows, through my grandparents, what happened to Randy. I have only met Jim and his wife a handful of times, ever. We have never discussed what happened with Randy, how it has affected me, or how I feel now. Here he is, saying nearly exactly how I feel about what I went through. I know his words were not about me. The words were to help Grandpa deal with the effects of aging and life as it is now. Jim was just being a friend. His words of wisdom, of experience, resonated through the entire room.

Our elders are our history, America’s history. They lived life during a time we can only imagine. A time when life was never easy. People were poor. Families were large and they worked together to meet the needs of the family. Food was rationed and difficult to prepare. Diseases were rampant. Medicine was crude and life spans short. The storms they faced are unfathomable to younger generations. Even though it’s hard for us to understand exactly how difficult life might have been, our elders’ advice is clear. Jim’s words were clear. They made sense. They hit home. They were right.

Heed Jim’s advice. I think he’s on to something. Life is undetermined. We have no idea where it will take us. Life doesn’t knock or make appointments. It happens and we need to handle it the best we know. We need to learn, grow, and live.